What is strategic incompetence, this kind of manipulation that destroys the couple?

The division of domestic duties remains, even today, one of the most obvious demonstrations of gender inequalities in our society. The shopping list is ready, the ingredients for the food are taken out into the kitchen, the washing machine is started … If you often find yourself doing these simple tasks because your partner claims he does not know how to do it, or if the chorus is “fine” “I do it myself” is common with you, your partner may be guilty ofstrategic incompetence.

What is strategic incompetence?

Also known asinstrumentalized incompetencethis term was first defined in 2007 by journalist Jared Sandberg in Wall Street Journal. Although Jared Sandberg’s exploration of the phenomenon is general and covers our professional, academic, and personal lives, the notion of strategic incompetence finds a strong resonance in women in relationships or married, too accustomed to their partner pretending to be incompetent to avoid unpleasant tasks.

Fifteen years after the publication of the article, this term is making a comeback on TikTok hashtag #weaponizedincompetence, which has over 60.6 million views and is home to a host of videos showing sadly familiar scenarios. In a viral video, a woman even makes a shopping list with product photos and a map of the supermarket. In response to this TikTok, Professor Neil Shyminsky says he explained this strategy to his little brother the first time his mother asked him to do the dishes. “That strategy was to do such a bad job that she would never ask me to do it again. I falsified incompetence. In other words, I pretended to suck at myself, so someone else would do it for me. If your partner causes the clothes to shrink with each wash, there is a high probability that you will not let them wash a washing machine again.By making himself incompetent he knows that the task will fall on you.

@professorneil #stitch with @adamxmelinda #feminisme #maskulinitet #toxicmasculinity #weaponizedincompetence #strategicincompetence #SHEINcares? Oh no – Kreepa

Instrumentalized incompetence is particularly prevalent in heterosexual relationships, where women statistically cope with everything, household, household and educational tasks (this is the famous mental strain highlighted by the cartoonist Emma), and also carries emotional charge. Over time, the extra mental baggage and workload can build up and cause tension, stress and friction in the relationship. For Emily Mendez, psychotherapist interviewed by Busynessthis behavior is harmful because it creates one imbalance in the relationshipone of the partners makes much more effort than the other.

This phenomenon traps the partners in an unhealthy dynamic that can end up killing all natural chemistry and destroying the emotional bond. “When a man thinks he can not complete a task or pretends he can not, it ends up backfiring, as the relationship becomes almost parental rather than loving. The man takes on an almost childish role, “said Lucy Rowett, a sex and relationship coach The cosmopolitan Britain. As for the women, they end up taking on a mother role that kills all the passion and all the chemistry between them.

If your partner always behaves like this, it is important to set clear boundaries and communicate. It is necessary to obtain one more balanced relationship. “When a man uses strategic incompetence, he not only sabotages his relationship, but maintains gender equality and prevents his partner from having enough energy to pursue their own goals,” Lucy Rowett explains. “Your partner may not be aware of what they are doing, they may not feel competent, or it may just be a lack of confidence and not necessarily manipulation,” temper Emily Mendez. There is a difference between the laziness that we emit as a strategic incapacity and the devaluation that makes us believe in our incapacity.

Communicate together to ensure that tasks are distributed more evenly. Knowing how to delegate and let go is not easy, especially if your partner does not put his heart into performing daily tasks. Men need to learn to feel responsible for their home. In some cases, it may be helpful to talk to a couples therapist.

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