What is ghost light, this toxic love behavior to avoid?

Has your infatuation or ex joked with you and reappeared and pretends you do not understand your reaction? You can be a victim of ghost lightthe new toxic love practice which we would have done well. Another trend dating which risk causing side injuries, especially mental injuries.

Ghostlighting, what is it?

Ghostlighting is the combination of two relational phenomena that you may already know: Ghosting and gaslighting. The first is to disappear overnight without explanation. The second practice, gas lighting, is a technique of manipulation and a form of influence found in toxic conditions. You will understand: it does not bode well.

According to the Urban Dictionary, the Bible on English slang and popular language, ghost light refers to the fact that interrupts all communication and, when the victim or person tries to make contact to try to clarify things, seems as if he does not know what she is talking about, which makes her doubt her reality and make her take all the responsibility for ending the relationship. For Gabriella Di Cosmo, psychotherapist and sexologist, interviewed by our colleagues from the Italian Cosmopolitan, this is a passive-aggressive tactic: “a form of emotional abuse which is not made of expressed anger, but of hostile silences alternating with scorching words. It is a form of abuse that can leave deep mental wounds. “

The person who practices ghostly lights interrupts all communication or creates such a distance to your usual routine (texting, calling, phone calling) that the change is palpable. When you then talk about it in an attempt to clarify, it tries to make you doubt your reality. “You never seemed interested”, “You always make movies”, “You always think people ignore you”. These people focus on you instead of acknowledging their actions. This way, they can abdicate all responsibility and create guilt in you.

As with gaslighting, it is very difficult to spot gaslighting when you first meet or start a romantic relationship. Nevertheless, a few warning signs can put you on guard. Often the ghost lighter blows hot and cold. He or she floods you with attention – a technique well known as manipulators love bombing then goes to the other extreme shortly after.

Ghostlighting, weapons of narcissistic perverts, but not only …

“Disappearing in nature has always been possible, but the Internet has made this phenomenon almost normal,” notes Gabriella Di Cosmo. From now on, with a single click, we are friends, and we are no longer, and to spare ourselves a too serious discussion, the solution is at hand: we stop answering. Ghostlighting is often used by narcissistic perverts with an evasive attachment style. “The choice to disappear is not random when the bond becomes more intense and the threats of dependence on the other are greater,” the psychotherapist explains. This phenomenon is often the result of attachment disorders which have their origins in childhood.

These people often suffer from fear of being abandoned and affective addiction. As soon as they become attached, there is a kind of anxiety. So for fear of being abandoned, they disappear first and prefer to retain control of their ailments. On the other hand, for others, it is a need for control typical of manipulators. They try to confuse you, and if they sense that you are not being fooled by their manipulation and begin to doubt, they are joking with you. Looking for another prey.

What to do when you are a victim of ghost lights?

Ghostlighting is devastating to those who experience it. You try at all costs to interpret the meaning of these silences and behaviors. You feel guilty, to the point that you question your feelings in the light of the person’s criticism. Realizing that you are being manipulated is a first step in helping you out of it. “You’re probably dealing with a narcissist who will not change unless you ask someone for help,” says Gabriella Di Cosmo.

It is important to think about yourself and your mental health first. You do not have to take on the other person’s problems. Try to talk about it with your family and close friends and spend as much time with them as possible. Do not hesitate to ask them for their opinion as soon as you suspect one toxic behavior. Not isolating yourself is important so as not to be influenced by a manipulator. If you feel the need, seek the help of an expert who will help you regain your confidence and overcome the pain. Above all, remember that you deserve someone who loves you, respects you and does not run away from you.

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