“Cookie jarring” is an unbalanced relationship in which one partner retains the other as a pure backup plan or “plan B”. A tendency in relationships, toxic to both partners, and therefore to flee urgently! Explanations.
Reserve a backup cookie
That’s how we could translate / define this “cookie-jarring” trend in French. We can always go and enjoy a good little cookie that is kept warm at home without guilt, no problem with this lifestyle unless instead of food we are talking about exclusive human relationships. In the same way that she would choose from a cake box stored in the back of a closet for comfort, the person who practices “cake” thus only addresses one or one of its partners if necessary.
“Cookie jarring” refers to “cookie jar” or “biscuit box” in French. The term has already been conveyed by the press in 2019, and is released in 2021 due to the British reality series “Love Island”. This dating show is actually filled with emotional drama and characters who lie to their partners shamelessly.
During an interview with NBC News, psychologist Catalina Lawsin explained that one of the partners in this type of relationship think they have a completely normal relationshipwhile the other sees it as a simple “backup plan”, a security measure:
“Cookie jarring is when someone entertains a relationship like a backup plan or a safety net, without really intending to do anything serious about it. These people are often already in a long-term relationship with someone else or at the beginning of A promising relationship. “
Why do we do “cookie jarring”?
The person who practices cookie jarring keep a partner under the elbow for safety, only to not be alone. Behind this practice lies a fear of loneliness, of being abandoned. This person tries to cover his back if this first attempt at seduction fails. There may therefore also be an underlying lack of self-confidence. By maintaining a side relationship, this person seek security. The problem is that this “cookie eater” creates a harmful scheme for everyone.
In short, with their uncertainty, these people are not sincere, neither with his / her companion / companion nor with themselves, most often. This lack of sincerity can also be translated with cowardice. These people do it behind the backs of their partners, without taking responsibility.
How do you recognize if you are a backup plan?
There is a problem for the two people involved in this type of relationship. Corn the hardest part is necessarily for the one who was attached. to the cowardly partner, and who finds himself led astray. This person is enthusiastic in a one-sided love without him necessarily being aware of it. Because there is also a little affective manipulation in the practice of “cookie jarring”, and its very principle is difficult to detect. Nevertheless, certain signals may warn.
American psychotherapist Tina B. Tessina detailed these signs in 2019 on NBC News. Among them is the fact that the partner never want to make plans with you. Therefore, it is always you who proposes to him, as if you were the engine of the relationship. The person practicing cookie jarring wants we are always seen on a whim and do not make an effort to stay in touch with you. And this person spends his time Avoid conversations about the nature or future of your relationship.
If you feel that any of these signs correspond to the relationship you are currently living in, it is necessary to take the lead. You will need to communicate with your partner, and as soon as possible. Define together what you expect in your relationship, and address the crucial issue of exclusivity. Well, there is no evidence that this person is 100% honest with you during this discussion, but this may be a good opportunity to explain your needsand maybe save time!
Have you ever managed to escape a toxic relationship like this? Let’s discuss it on the forum Body optimists !