“I’ve been fighting for seven months to get out of this toxic relationship”

“It’s complicated” is a kind of modern letter from the heart, where you tell your stories – in all their complexity – and where a columnist answers you. This columnist is Lucile Bellan. She is a journalist: neither shrink, doctor nor guru. She just wanted to talk about your problems. If you want to send him your stories, you can write to this address: [email protected]

You can also leave your message on our answering machine by calling 07 61 76 74 01 or via Whatsapp on the same number. Lucile will soon answer you in “It’s Complicated, the Podcast”, the episode of which you can find here.

And to find the previous chronicles, it’s here.

Dear Lucile,

Seven months ago I met a man at a party. Physically, I have no attraction to him. He makes me the discussion, and I cling to his calm, his kindness, his simplicity.

He tells me about himself: he is separated, has two children and lives with his parents because he left the home to his former partner.

When he leaves, he asks for my number, sends me a text message and we meet again an hour later. We spend the night driving, discussing and after eight hours clicking something: I find something in him, except that I feel that this relationship is not for me. He reveals himself as a bit narcissistic, a little egocentric, but I’m hooked anyway.

We flirt, and I tell him when I get home that I do not want to see him again, except here it is: he has decided something else and insists, but in a pleasant way.

See you again with me, several nights in a row, participation, feeling, hugs, everything is connected and going well. Except that I end up discovering that he is not single, but that he is releasing himself as he sees fit. In fact, he does not go to bed, but comes home at 5 or 6 in the morning.

I’m feeling bad about the situation. I do not agree to be a man’s mistress, much less to do what I do not want to be done to me because I have experienced it. But the physical attraction and complicity is so strong that even though I leave him every five days, he does not leave me. He calls me countless times, he floods me with texts where he says that he loves me and that he can not do without me despite our incessant quarrels …

I have struggled for seven months to get out of this toxic relationship that does not give me what I need because I miss going out, nights sleeping together, and especially that he is single … When the head thinks other than the heart decides otherwise, it is complicated. So I do not know what to do to finally get rid of this story.


Dear Caroline,

At all stages of this relationship, this man has behaved inappropriately by forcing your attention, your availability, and your consent. A toxic attitude is not necessarily the result of aggressive people with violent gestures. The abuse is in not respecting the fact that you do not want to continue the relationship. It is in the fact that you continued to charm yourself when you had reservations about this person’s physique and character.

You do not seem to realize yet how much this person is driving your story. From the start, it forces you to participate. A relationship cannot be defined by such an imbalance. You do not have to keep seeing this man, or another man for that matter, because he wants you. Especially if you do not really want it.

I know how flattering it is to be courted, to be at the center of someone’s attention, and to receive messages. It is by his omnipresence that you say it yourself that this person makes sure to stay in your life. This condition is parasitic. And with every move you make to regain your freedom, it tightens its grip.

You will not be able to get rid of him that way as he does not seem to be listening to you. From the start, he does not respect what you express and how you feel. I’m afraid you only have the legal way to protect yourself. Know that you have the right to go and file a handrail against this man. If you can, have someone close to you around you.

Make sure the loneliness holes in your life that he uses against you are no longer accessible. Maybe try moving in with a friend or family member for a while. A strong gesture like this could possibly make him listen to reason. You are determined to get out of this grip, only strong and honest movements can help you.

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