No, our relationships are not meant to be complex, strained or toxic. By learning to understand our forms of attachment, we can create rich and satisfying relationships.
Your buddy vampires you, your boss knocks you out of your hinges, not to mention your (place) mother? Drawn by a host of conflicting emotions, are you struggling to find your balance? Read Marion Blique’s latest book right away, I left toxic relationships (1). In 21 days, this clinical psychologist offers to understand the origins of the mechanisms that govern our behavior and to understand others better. And good news, we are all a priori capable of that [ré]balance our relationship, even toxic. Skeptics? Follow the leader.
Step 1: Be responsible for our emotions
Emotions are the core of our lives, but at first surprisingly, others are not responsible for it. No one gets tears from our eyes and no one cries from our mouth. So we can not blame anyone but … ourselves. The whole question of the book lies in the acceptance of this responsibility and its counterpart: the elimination of guilt. No, our emotions are not bad, and yes, by understanding them better, we can act on them. But how ?
Step 2: Understand your feelings
Although they sometimes annoy us, annoy us, or that we find them uncontrollable, our emotions are necessary. Like the primary colors, they constitute the universal palette of our reactions: anger, sadness, fear, joy, and disgust. Each plays a role in our way of perceiving the world.
Angereven if it is badly pressured, it is useful: it emphasizes “the lack of respect for our borders, the need to overcome an obstacle or even highlights a situation of frustration or dissatisfaction”.
Grief signals “the loss of something or someone we loved”.
The fear tells us that “a threat hangs over our well-being and prepares us to protect ourselves”.
Joy is a physical phenomenon that makes us feel “expanding, connected and open”.
Finally, disgust comes from our distant past and warns us of the harmful elements that can pollute our lives. These “primary” emotions are felt universally, but all activate them differently depending on their type of attachment.
Step 3: Stop thinking well to get better
Behind this palette of emotions hides the dominance of “the thought over the body.” In other words, as our society values rationalization (cognitive brain) rather than emotion (affective and reptile brain), we use “avoidance strategies” such as “blaming the other person”, “going out for a drink” or the famous “list of all” the reasons why we should not feel what we feel “. But Marion Blique emphasizes, how do you know what you want without accessing your emotions? By connecting more to his emotions, the specialist explains, to better understand his type of attachment.
Step 4: Understand your relationship
To decipher his relational attachment, we must admit that “we reproduce the patterns that were set up in our childhood”, from our mother to those observed in our more or less close entourage (couple, school, family …) . Therefore, to place the cursor, review the memory box. And the psychologist to identify four main profiles.
The “safe” : these people feel the emotions, capture the information, act appropriately and resume the course of their lives.
The “escaping” : these individuals numb the emotions by adaptation, allowing them to suffer less. They intellectualize without being able to trigger the first step: the feeling.
the “mergers” : these beings feel and experience “very intensely their emotions”. They get lost in their emotions without acting effectively and have a “tendency to chaos, to disorganization”.
“Chaos” : probably the hardest profile to live with. These people swing between two positions. Sometimes they protect themselves, sometimes they throw themselves back into conflicting relationships. “They are always afraid of being rejected and abandoned and unconsciously do everything to make it happen. In ups and downs, everything is lived on 200%.”
Step 5: Understand how his style meets others
“I always come across men who do not want to commit!” “I can not be attached.” Do you have the impression that you always hear the same chorus? It’s normal. In the waltz of the meetings, we are often surprised to fall back into the same patterns. And beware, sometimes it’s drama! For example, the great classic “fused + evasive” couple systematically generates frustration and resentment: “these two opposites attract each other unconsciously. It is a caricature choreography between the distant man and the fused woman that pursues him for more contact.” In short, disaster! No better on the side of “chaotic + fusional” couples, where tensions will throw the chaotic into a ruined state. Do any of these situations speak to you? Maybe it’s time to take a step back … and change.
Step 6: Bet on a combination that works
But then you are doomed? No, and luckily! For Marion Blique, any change leads to other positive changes. Pyha! Freeing ourselves from the conditions that make us suffer in order to move towards other types of emotional combinations is the first step towards more serenity. For fusion, it means setting clear boundaries. For escaping, accept their feelings and develop their empathy. Finally for chaotica healthy life with a regular rhythm of life, in contact with nature, will help stabilize the body and daily life.
(1) Marion Blique, I left toxic relationships, Editions Eyrolles.
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