“If we rationalize the romantic relationship, we will lose our humanity”

In her latest book, “From Soulmate to Tinder” (ed. Larousse), Éliette Abécassis explores all the subtleties of the new generation’s relationship to the romantic relationship. For her, more than anything else, enchanting love is necessary for humanity to survive. “Because love touches the very essence of man.” And to do this, it would be necessary to thwart the “trap of rationalization of emotions” that passes through technology. For Yahoo, Eliette Abécassis returned to the birth of this reflection.

Remember: In 2016, “La La Land,” the musical film by Damien Chazelle, had unprecedented success in dark spaces. The story of a meeting in Los Angeles between Mia, played by Emma Stone, and Sebastian, played on screen by Ryan Gosling. In the City of Angels, these two lonely and ambitious souls seek to realize their dreams while building a sentimental relationship. It was after watching this film that Éliette Abécassis said to herself that “there had been a change in customs” in our society. The reason ? The ending of the film, which gave rise to a genuine philosophical reflection, fell in the author’s latest book, “From Soulmate to Tinder”.

Video. “Teenagers do not want a passionate relationship anymore because they say it hurts”

“Now it’s a lost, 10,000 found ‘”

Spoiler: At the end of “La La Land”, Mia and Sebastian do not end up together. What “comes out of the codes” according to Éliette Abécassis. “They’re finally going their own way. And then I thought, ‘But there are actually no more romantic comedies these days. What’s going on in our society?'” If we compare the ending of “La La Land” with those from other movies with romances in the 60s, or even earlier in the 2000s, it is true that the “happy ending” does not seem to be more than an outdated idea. Even corny. That is exactly what made Éliette Abécassis write her book: “I think there is a real change in the culture, in the civilization, a change in the relationship with love,” she said. explained to Yahoo. For the author, the myth of androgyny developed by Plato is gradually emerging from popular belief. This myth, which suggests that at the origin of time we were only one being consisting of two beings, separated into two by the gods. Since then, everyone is looking for their other half. The famous story of soulmate.

For Éliette Abécassis, this myth no longer attracts a crowd. Today, the majority seems to stick to “another mythology, which is personal development. One must find fulfillment in oneself, and not by seeking the other.” You have already heard this phrase on a TV or in a discussion between friends: “Before you love someone, you must love yourself.” According to the author, this change in customs and relationships with love is undoubtedly the consequence of an “increase in individualism” and (not so) new forms of communication, such as dating apps.

What is the risk of letting the algorithm take care of finding the right person for us? Éliette Abécassis explains: “We have a relationship with individuals around the world, and this from home, from our laptop. And this amount, of course, goes completely against the search for the unique, soulmate, the only person we need to connect with. “This is a lost, 10,000 found! And this in one night. This multiplication of options and choices may kill the choice. Because too many choices lead the individual astray.”

Passion no longer interests teens

By exploring all these changes in customs, Éliette Abécassis made another observation: “Passion is seen in a negative way.” Gone are the burning statements and tumultuous stories portrayed in many movies and books. The new generation would be in the rejection of these ultra-romantic codes, which it now casts a cynical, even suspicious eye on. Certainly, Eliette Abécassis submitted several teens to a questionnaire. And the result is clear: “They all say they do not want passion because it hurts because it does not last. There is a real rationalization of love.”

These days, many people rely on dating apps to find love. Some even go so far as to rely on “science” by marrying blindly on TV shows. Which, after all, almost makes sense given the technological society we live in and scientific and philosophical advances. For Éliette Abécassis, it is possible to combine passion and technology, “which is neither good nor bad”: “We must be able to regain control of technology, in order to re-establish social and romantic ties, which can certainly be done through technology. It’s not about rejecting it at all. “

“Words of love” to counter technology

Yes, the finding is not so negative on closer inspection. Éliette Abécassis assures her: “There is a great opportunity in our time, it is the fact that we can write infinitely.” Today, exchanges are favored and, above all, facilitated. If boyfriends in the past proposed to each other by mail, with all the delays it entails, the exchange of love today is more direct. “We can text each other at any time. It’s easy to write. And I believe that love comes through words. There is no love without words of love, without love stories, without love myths. Words of love are a way to recreate – enchanting love, cultivating the art of loving to text, “says the author, who recalls that it is” important to sign up for love, not just say it. “

These words of love for Éliette Abécassis also represent “a way of thwarting the trap of technological rationalization, of being able to redirect the machine in favor of emotion.” Meeting someone on a dating app is one thing, talking to someone is another. These are the words that will play an important place in the sentimental relationship. That is why the author, above all, pleads for the exchange: “What happens is an essential issue in our society. Because the romantic relationship is the sentimental relationship par excellence. If we rationalize the romantic relationship, if we let it be the algorithm’s game, we simply lose our humanity. Because love touches the very essence of man. “

However, Eliette Abécassis is not one of those who would say “it was better before”. On the contrary: “I do not regret the time before. I observe our time as a philosopher, and I do not regret at all Jane Austen’s time when these heroines full of love were in a love market. The only thing that is ultimately worrying is, that the relationship must not be emptied of emotion, and that the emotion itself is attacked by this segmentation, and this cognitive flow to which we are constantly exposed, so much so that no one wants to invest or commit sentimentally or emotionally in a relationship. “

Article: Sarah Mannaa

Videos: Carmen Barba

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