What is polyamory, this loving orientation?

Everyone has their opinion on polyamory. And most people do not understand it and even go so far as to judge those who practice it. But polyamorous people do not impose their romantic orientation on anyone. They simply want to free themselves from the monogamous couple to love with detachment and without addiction.

Sincerely love several people at the same time. It’s one of most popular definitions of polyamory. But “there are as many definitions as there are polyamorous,” warns Esther Taillift, certified coach in emotion, even polyamorous. The explanation given by the authors of the comic strip “De Polyamour et d’eau fraîche”, published by Éditions Steinkis, is slightly broader: “Polyamory is mainly defined by a state of openness.”

But everyone agrees that it is a love orientation that cannot be chosen. “We are capable or we are not capablelove several people at the same time “, Explains the specialist. The young woman discovered her romantic orientation in college. “I could not understand the jealousy my girlfriends felt when their girlfriends talked to other girls,” she recalls. This feeling of misunderstanding was confirmed when she herself began to have monogamous romantic relationships. “I still did not feel jealous,” she recalls. This performance is not entirely absent in this type of love chart, but it is undeniably less intense than in exclusive relationships.

She became aware of her orientation quite early on, but preferred for a long time to remain in a “mono” couple for fear of the judgment and misunderstanding that this might have caused. It was not until a few years after high school that it began to take hold.

Polyamorous develops in what is called a “polycule”. This expression corresponds to the constellation of relationships that they maintain. “It’s the connection between a romantic and sexual relationship between a polyamorous person or a group,” Manon Jouasse defines at the end of the cartoon quoted above. Not all polycules manage their links in the same way. Esther Taillift maintained hierarchical polyamorous conditions. This configuration consists of having a main character who forms a base. This is the relationship we want to spend the most time on. “Even if you are able to love many people, time is limited. We only have 24 hours a day and we only have seven days in a week. “So you have to organize your relationships,” she insists.

But that does not mean it is the person you love the most, “it’s not about an emotional hierarchy,” she says. Esther Taillift had a love story with a man, even polyamorous, for six years. That was their most important relationship. But the two have lived several relationships side by side. “Over time, I learned to create balance. If I am in a main relationship with someone, it is important that I am the peripheral relationship in my peripheral relationships. Otherwise, there is a kind of asymmetry, ”she analyzes.

Meet good people when you are polyamorous

Finding partners when you are polyamorous can be very complicated. As explained above, “one has to find people who have the same way of behaving as us,” Esther explains. In addition, prejudice. “When I say I’m poly, people conclude I’m an easy girl,” the young woman explains.

To avoid this type of reaction, she prefers to turn to polyamorous chat groups on social media. “We can also do it in environments where people are engaged in deconstruction in different areas. I have met polyamorous people in groups that are more open about sexuality or in vegan, vegetarian or feminist circles, ”she lists. Of course, it is also possible to meet people on applications such as Tinder, Bumble, Happn, etc. Just state his love orientation in his bio.

Rejection and stereotypes little by polyamorous people

“When we talk about polyamorous couple, there is often a movement of rejection in front of us, ”she notes. This actually very often evokes misunderstanding, judgment, even total contempt. “Polyamory rocks something. We arrive and we put a big kick in the anthill, in an almost unshakable thing, a base, something that has taken decades of millennia to build: the couple,” she analyzes.

Esther Taillift, however, does not criticize monogamy. On the contrary. She even sees something sacred in it: “There is great beauty in this commitment, in this mutual sacrifice. But polyamori is also very beautiful because it promotes freedom. You do not have to essential anyone to love them. »

This need for freedom, which is characteristic of polyamory, is very often misinterpreted. This gives rise to a multitude of stereotypes. “Many people think so polyamorous people are afraid of commitment or an inability to truly love people, ”the coach laments. In fact, according to her, it is quite the opposite: “We love people for the essence of who they are. Not for what they are trying to bring to us or what they represent. »

Polyamorous women are also not immune to sexism. “We are very often judged as being women who just want to sleep with a lot of people, simple girls,” she confides. We still live in a society where the value of a woman is judged by the number of sexual partners she has had. Polyamorous men are rather perceived as commitment phobias: “We see them as emotionally handicapped. ‘A plethora of stereotypes that should be erased to be a good polyal.

Rather live your polyamory by protecting yourself from the opinion of others

The entourage is not always understanding and benevolent towards ours sexual and love-oriented orientations. It is for this reason that Esther Taillift advises those who fear rejection to keep it to themselves. “You know your surroundings, you know what you can say and not say. Do not feel guilty about not being able to be completely yourself with everyone, ”she advises.

Everyone has different boundaries, and when a person rejects your romantic or sexual orientation, “it’s a part of themselves that they do not accept, because it makes them feel insecure,” the specialist concludes. Of course, you can try to explain your concept of love, but not everyone will understand, and it’s not your fault. Some people may even feel some distrust of you. For good reason, the sight of the couple with whom they were fed has been destabilized. Instead of trying to understand, rejection seems to them to be the only solution.

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